Building Emotional Resilience: Uncovering the Hidden Grief of New Motherhood (EP 5)

In this week’s episode, Host Jessi Sletten dives into an often overlooked aspect of new parenthood – the feelings of loss and grief for our former lives. She explores the six common losses new parents face including loss of self, voice and control. These losses parallel those seen in trauma, which birth and postpartum can be. Breaking the silence around this grief is key to normalizing the experience and building resilience. Jessi shares actionable tips for regaining a sense of empowerment amidst the chaos of newborn life, such as naming emotions, prioritizing self-care, and custom postpartum planning. With compassionate support, we can process these identity shifts without losing ourselves.


Losses in Postpartum

  • Overview of 6 common losses new parents face in postpartum: loss of self, voice, control, time, community, world
  • Today’s focus: loss of self, voice, control
  • These mirror losses seen in trauma; birth/postpartum can be emotionally traumatic
  • Breaking the silence around these losses is important to normalize and prepare

Loss of Self

  • Consumed by newborn care leading to neglect of own needs
  • Feeling invisible, just an extension of baby
  • Build up of resentment, shame, guilt around loss of freedom

Loss of Voice

  • Less adult interaction, conversations centered around baby
  • Feeling unheard when sharing challenges
  • Leads to feeling unable to process trauma

Loss of Control

  • Chaos of newborn phase, lack of control over sleep, feeding, etc.
  • Resentment over loss of autonomy
  • Tips for regaining sense of control

Hope & Resiliency

  • Normalizing losses to process grief and build resilience
  • Preparing coping strategies before birth with postpartum planning
  • Embracing identity shifts with self-compassion

Tips & Resources

  • Name/validate feelings of loss
  • Prioritize self-care
  • Share this episode to educate your support system
  • Empowering Postpartum Coaching program: 1:1 coaching for customized postpartum planning and fourth trimester support. Click to learn more and to get started

Episode Transcript

0:21 Hello, this is Jessi Sletten, from empowering, postpartum. And welcome to the Spanglish world networks on Cisco TV channels 250, and 251. Please remember to download both the Zingo TV app on respective app stores on iOS and Android devices. While you download make sure to rate and leave a comment, the app is totally free. ZingoTV is also available on Google Chromecast, Amazon Fire and fire sticks, Roku and Roku sticks, and on all smart TVs, 2016 and forward, I am so happy to be here with you all again today. My name is Jessi Sletten again, and I am your postpartum empowerment coach, helping you feel confident prepared and holistically supported for your unique journey into parenthood. In today’s episode of empowering postpartum, I want to talk about finding calm, admits the beautiful chaos of life with a newborn. And I’m sure has, you’re counting down the days, you know, until you finally get to hold your beautiful baby in your arms instead of within your womb. And you’re dreaming of settling into this role in this new life confidently right and feeling secure and who you are, and how you move through this transition. And you might be picturing your day to day life with your newborn is blissful and simple. And yes, you know that there’s going to be challenges and long nights and all these things, right. But you just imagine and envision yourself being in control of your space and your time and your parenting choices. And your hope is that you can gracefully adjust to life with a newborn, while still maintaining and retaining the sense of self. I know that that’s definitely how I had envisioned my first postpartum timeframe, my first you know, kind of just transition into motherhood. But as I found out, and so many new parents do, the reality is that everything in our life changes, right. Birth and new parenthood is single handedly like one of the biggest shifts, and life changing experiences that we can navigate, hands down. And there really isn’t any aspect of our pre pregnancy life that isn’t touched or changed or influenced by our parenthood. And today, I wanted to talk about one of the most common yet rarely discussed experiences that we as birth givers go through. And that is this unexpected feeling of grief or loss as we navigate this huge transition. And I’m not talking about physical loss. That’s a whole nother topic. When it comes to if you know, we do experience a child loss or something along those lines or miscarriage. That’s not what I’m talking about. I am talking about more of an emotional loss of our old life. And some of the other things that we can experience when we transition into postpartum. And in fact, there are actually six common losses that many new parents experience in the postpartum timeframe. And those are the loss of self, the loss of voice, the loss of control, the loss of time, the loss of community, and the loss of world. And the really fascinating thing about these losses is that they mirror the losses of trauma. And so those of us who walk with trauma stories, whether that’s childhood trauma or trauma that we’ve experienced as adults, or even trauma that we’ve experienced in pregnancy, we have these experiences that we carry with us right and it’s very common research has shown that people who go through these traumatic experiences have these feelings of loss and grief from that traumatic event. And as I’ve talked about before in previous episodes, or if you follow me on Instagram or on any of my social networks, I am constantly talking about how in many ways birth is a trauma to our bodies and and it can be very emotionally traumatic as well, depending on how we birth, the birthing space, the supports or the lack of support that we have during the birthing process. And if we’re not cared for or honored in the way that we deserve to be during our labor and delivery process, you know, these experiences of birth trauma can really linger and can really just affect our entire way that we are entering into our parenthood. But what’s interesting is the losses of postpartum are actually seen with folks who do walk with these trauma stories whether like I said, it’s from childhood experiences, or anything leading up to pregnancy or within pregnancy. And those of us who experience a quote unquote, normal birth, no complications, minimal interventions, supportive birth team who honor our wishes, who listened to our, you know, our birthing plan, all of those things. So we can see this experience of loss in the postpartum timeframe with both of these types of birthing experiences, those that have and walk with trauma stories and those who do not. And so while each of these losses are equally important, and they are so interconnected, I really just want to focus on three particular losses today in this week’s episode, and that’s the loss of self, the loss of voice and the loss of control. And I will be revisiting the remaining losses on another episode later on. So be sure to keep an eye out for that. And, you know, keep tuning in each week, because at some point, I am going to revisit these other three, and then we’re going to talk about how they all interconnect, and work together to really frame this time in our lives. But today, we’re just going to cover those three. So let’s really dive into this, okay, and we’re going to uncover this idea of loss of self, first and postpartum. And this one is probably a more common one that we recognize, or we can hear, but it might not be specifically talked to about it nor talked about in this particular way, right. And it’s really about when we go through birth and postpartum I kind of talked about this a lot, where it’s this process of unbecoming who we were pre you know, in our pre pregnancy lives, right and becoming who we are now. And I really want to focus while we’re talking about these losses, on not just the last piece, it’s super important that we are recognizing and allowing space for us to honor this grief that we hold, and allow that some time and space for us to process. But there’s also this overarching theme that I want you all to take away from for this episode. And that is hope, in the strength of emotional resiliency, and how we can work through this grief to come out on the other side, with a stronger sense of connection to ourselves and to our new chapter of our lives. So I don’t want this to be doom and gloom, right, we do need to talk about it, we do need to recognize the importance of it. But I want to highlight how to build this emotional resiliency, so that we can move through this grief, with grace and be able to honor and recognize it, but then move past it and not let it consume us. So when we’re talking about the loss of self, this makes a lot of sense that this happens, right? It is super easy to let this 24/7 baby care of a newborn just completely consume us. Right? It is so much to have this brand new little human who can’t do anything for themselves, right, they are completely dependent on their caregivers, their parents to help them thrive. Right. And we can experience sort of this hyper vigilance, and I’m not talking about when it becomes probably problematic and more on the clinical, you know, postpartum mood and anxiety disorders side right. There’s a difference between kind of this normal heightened hyper vigilance heightened, were our baby. And like the extreme side when we are kind of getting into the territory of you know, postpartum OCD or was part of anxiety that needs to be handled by a medical provider, right.

10:06 So, you know, we really just become kind of consumed by not wanting to put baby down, just wanting to hold them in our arms and take in that new baby smell and stare down at their beautiful cute little faces and their little button noses, right, and we’re just hooked on every movement, every little noise that they’re making, right. And our brain is wired to react that way, right? Biologically, we have all this stuff going on internally that is making us react to our baby’s needs, right. But it really can be a 24/7, care, caretaking and caregiving experience. So we just become consumed by that. And naturally, as that’s happening, we start letting our own needs and self care fall by the wayside. And these can be in the simplest things, but some of the most foundational self care pieces, you know, like personal hygiene, like not showering and eating regularly, like we should be not resting and recovering as a priority during our postpartum timeframe. So really, this is one experience of this loss of self. And then there’s this other category that can happen or both, where instead of you know, being completely consumed by this, we often kind of feel like we’re falling back becoming invisible in our postpartum timeframe. And this is kind of how our society is set up, right, once baby arrives, we really just kind of become this extension to our baby. And we just become kind of this invisible piece of the puzzle. And we can really feel this shift and attention and and care to the baby, which of course, this is needed, right baby needs as baby needs to be cared for completely. But you know, we start wondering like, gosh, you know, like, I’m here to Hello, like, people come over to visit, they want to see the baby right away. Let me see the baby. Let me hold the baby. How’s the baby sleeping? How’s the baby eating? How’s breastfeeding going? You know, are they sleeping through the night? How’s their temperament? It all becomes about baby, right? And so we kind of feel this shift in ourselves where we’re like, Well, what about me? How about how am I recovering? How am I adjusting to this new life, right? And you feel like this pressure then that you need to prioritize baby, it’s expected then to prioritize baby over your own hopes and dreams and recovery and self care. And slowly, we can start feeling like this resentment is building up from having no time for yourself, and for your own interests, and creative outlets and just time to be you, right. And then because of this resentment, we get into this cycle where we can start feeling these feelings of shame, and guilt, for being upset about this loss of freedom. Of course, there’s this loss of freedom, I’m expected to sacrifice everything on behalf of my baby, right? I see this. And it’s one of the trends that I really hate. And I did a whole reel on this a while back where it’s like, it’s not my time. And this was a very popular thing that was going around where it was just like, it’s not my time for me, you know, for my dreams, and my hopes and my aspirations. Like, right now it’s about my baby. And while there’s some truth to that, I think it’s a very toxic and dangerous mindset to drift into, when that becomes the full picture. Right? And then this is when it creates those internalizing feelings of maybe I’m just being selfish, what’s wrong with me, like, I should be loving, being a mom, this is what I’ve always wanted, right? This is, this is my job. Now, this is who I am, I am mom. And we really start internalizing these shaming, negative thought patterns that can really influence how we are experiencing our motherhood and our postpartum as a whole. So then there’s also related to this loss, this loss of voice. And this one might be a little more abstract than when we think about this loss of self, this loss of identity, this crisis of identity of who am I now now that I’m a mom, you know, and now that I have this baby, like, what pieces of me are still there? what pieces do I need to let go? But this loss of voice is really can be something that’s tangible and literal, or it can also be something that’s a little bit more figurative, right? So when we’re talking about the more literal loss of voice, we don’t have a lot of opportunity to speak during the postpartum timeframe to other people, right? We might be going from a full time career or something like that with a lot of adult interaction around us to just baby babble, right and talking to her baby and just being encased in this little bubble of our postpartum timeframe and recovery with our newborn. And while that’s beautiful, it can also start creating this feeling of this loss of voice, right? We don’t have those meaningful conversations as much, it’s, it’s, again, constantly about the baby, right. And sometimes we can even go days without having a conversation with other adults, and except for our partners, right, and, and even then, depending on our partners, you know, paternity or parent parental leave, sometimes we won’t even have that opportunity. And especially, we don’t have the opportunity of talking about how we are doing, how we are experiencing what we are feeling, right, we can have these feelings of boredom and loneliness of this lack of inner intellectual stimulation, right? A lot of us can experience this. And then we can have this other side of this loss of voice where we feel like our voice is shut down. Right. And this is especially true when we’re trying to share about our experiences of our birth experience, or how we are adjusting to our new parenthood and life with baby and how we’re healing physically and mentally, and all these things, right. And oftentimes, when these feelings are not the rainbows and sunshine and the baby bliss, and I love every minute of what’s happening, and I’m so in love with my baby, and all these things, right, they’re often met with unsupportive or dismissive reactions from the people we’re sharing with. And sometimes their responses are, you know, in good faith, like they’re trying to be helpful, and they don’t realize that they are dismissive. This is when we kind of get into that realm of toxic positivity, right. Let’s say you did have a traumatic birthing experience. And one of the most healing things that we can do is talking to a safe person, without judgment about that experience, so that we can begin to heal, and be able to share that with other people who we feel safe to share it with, right. And if we then are met on the other side of this vulnerability, and this need to share these traumatic experiences and feelings, with something along the lines of, well, that sounds like it was hard, but you know what, it’s so great that the baby is healthy, and that nothing else happened, you know, at least they’re okay now, at least you got through it, and you’re, you’re doing well and you’re on your way to healing, or whatever this might be, right. It’s that toxic positivity focus on the good. Instead of holding the experience as a whole, and validating that that those experiences happened, and allowing that into the space of the conversation. A lot of people get uncomfortable when it’s not positive, right? They don’t know what to do. They don’t know what to do with these feelings that you’re sharing with them. And so instead of providing this, this empathy that we so desperately need, are met with more of these sympathetic reactions, right? When what we really need is somebody to sit beside us and hold us physically, maybe or just emotionally and say, This is so hard. You’re right. And I’m here. I’m here to hold that for a little bit for you. Right? Or we hear things like, what did you expect with a baby? Oh, well, just wait, it gets harder when they become toddlers, or Oh, you think you’re not sleeping now? Wait until the regression stages come? Right? So it’s kind of like these things where we’re getting shut down or voices not being allowed to be heard in the way we need it to be. And so this leads us to feeling unsafe about sharing our experiences. Oh, it must just be me. Like I’m, I just suck at being a mom, right? Like, I’m not doing this well, like what’s wrong with me? Or, and it can become very difficult to process and heal this trauma because that that is not a space that’s open to us, right. And it becomes agonizing when we can’t process or move through what has happened. And it really takes away that coping strategy that outlet of being able to share a full story

20:02 So we’ve covered the loss of self and the loss of voice. And you can probably see, but I’ll bridge this gap between the loss of self and the loss of voice. We’re how they’re so interconnected, right? So if we can’t speak our truth about us as a human being our experiences, or we have no, we’re to share that, then we continue to have this loss and grief of who am I am, I’m not, I’m not important in my own right, right. It’s just about how the baby is doing. So they feed into one another. But this last loss that I want to talk about is the loss of control. And this one is one that I think takes so many of us off guard, when we become a parent. And this was one that really I struggled with, with my first birth, and my first postpartum experience. Because the reality and the truth is that we lose control, in many ways to the chaos of newborn life, right? We don’t have control in certain aspects over how our baby sleeps, right? The feeding journey, how difficult or easy it comes to us whether we’re chest feeding, or we’re bottle feeding, or we’re choosing to pump or we have to pump, we have all these challenges that crop up, we have no control over how that journey begins, even though we’ve been set up to believe this is a natural, beautiful process, and it’s just you are going to settle into it naturally. Right? Or we’re going to have this mystical, just like mommy sense, that’s just going to snap into place, our intuition is just going to instantly click right. And while that might be true, for some people, it’s not true for everyone. And so we feel this loss, we feel out of control when we’re in this newborn phase, right. And it’s feeling chaotic. And it’s scary. And you have these thoughts of, in these pressures around us around society, oh, my gosh, you know, if I let the baby cry, I’m going to be somehow damaging them, you know, or if I don’t respond to every single thing, something bad’s going to happen, and we kind of just feel out of control, we feel like our, our newborn and our postpartum is leading us instead of us being in the driver’s seat, right. And then that’s another opportunity for resentment to start building. Because we feel this loss of at autonomy over your own body, we feel this inability to meet our own basic needs, because we’re constantly reacting to what our baby needs, right. And so then becomes more of this shame and the skill cycle that begins building into our experience in postpartum. And what’s really important as we need to be able to take back that control. And to be able to feel like we do have this ability to empower ourselves to find control where we can write. And that’s when we really can start feeling like we’re reclaiming this time. So there’s little things you know, feeling like, you can give yourself permission to go to the bathroom for two minutes, and the baby will be okay. If you have to put them down somewhere safe, and they’re crying for a few minutes. Yes, you don’t have to be nap trapped for five hours, you know, and never use the bathroom, right? Like it’s these small little incremental things that can start giving us that power back, right, where we don’t feel like we have no control over how we are processing this experience or, or navigating through this journey. It’s all about finding that balance between your needs and your baby’s needs. And sometimes it it’s kind of like, it’s not really a true balance, right, there’s going to be times where a baby’s going to need You more. And this is when you’re going to need to really rely on your support systems, right. And then there’s times where baby’s doing fine. And you can start really pouring into yourself more, right? And so it’s just this, it’s figuring out how and when to do these things. And really taking these breaks the self, you know, prioritizing yourself care and doing all of these things that are so important. So even though you know these losses are common, and part of the reason why I wanted to cover this in today’s episode is to really start normalizing these experiences, and bringing them to the forefront so that we can prepare ourselves right ahead of time. But that’s the key here, right? It’s expected and normal change for this life altering experience, but we don’t discuss them enough. And this lack of awareness, or this inability to name what we’re going through these losses can really lead again back to that shame and resentment and isolation cycle for new parents. And this is during a time where we are the most vulnerable, and in the most need of support. But by breaking the silence and normalizing these experiences of loss, we’re not only shedding the light on this important topic, but we can start preparing for how to process these feelings, and even put plans into place before birth. Right? Because being aware of this, of this grief of these very normal experiences, in the postpartum timeframe, it allows us to process create space to mourn these losses, and to heal the grief. But it can actually give us the foresight to prepare for, and put into place in these plans ahead of time to mitigate the impact of these losses. And how they really just impact and influence our postpartum experience as a whole. Right. And I think that part is where I talked about the beginning, where there’s this hope, that I want us to cling to, because that’s the piece that I really want to drive home is the resiliency, the emotional resiliency that we can build in for ourselves, so that we aren’t completely consumed by our grief and by our loss. And then, therefore, by our resentment and our guilt, and all these things that can make our transition into parenthood, go from this like, beautiful opportunity to grow as a person, and to connect with our baby. And our partners and our older children, our family as a whole. Right? To this feeling of just chaos and disappointment in this is not what I wanted, this is not what I expected. Because that piece can be super difficult to come out of, and I’m speaking from experience here. One of the biggest things that I did for myself was being able to learn about these losses in grief. And that’s what I was experiencing in my first birth and being able to have the power to put a name to it, right? And then to figure out what do I need to do for my second postpartum experience, to help really protect myself against some of these feelings, right. And then also, at the same time, recognize that it’s very normal to feel this sense of loss at the same time, and and create that space and find those safe places to talk about those experiences where they are validated without judgment. And where I can say all of the things that I’m feeling and experiencing and postpartum, without feeling like, Oh, God, what are they going to think when I say this? They’re going to think I am a terrible mom, they’re going to think that I’m so selfish, right? And all these things in the back of our mind that we’ve been conditioned to believe, if we aren’t loving every minute of motherhood, right. So that was a huge difference for me when I built into my postpartum plan, who are my safe people? Who can I talk to about this? How can I create a plan in my self care practices that are easy to be able to implement, but that I’m also prioritizing so that I don’t feel like I have no sense of me, Jesse, not Jesse as mom, but me and Jesse as a person, and what I want out of my life, even though I am a parent now, right? And trying to create that plan ahead of time, and speaking about those things, and the importance of them to my support team, to my partner, my husband, and being very clear to them about that being important to me and how to make that a prioritize a priority for me and be my own advocate, which is another way of feeling that control and that power on making this happen for myself. Right and not just allowing this fourth trimester to just carry me away, right. So really, I’m hoping that you’re getting this this piece of hope, right, this feeling and focus on the resiliency on creating, control and being heard and creating ways of being seen in motherhood and parenthood. without it feeling like you’re invisible, you’re falling into the background, your voice has no place.

30:10 All of these things that we’ve talked about. And the biggest key is having the guidance in creating these plans. And having the support and sharing and processing these feelings of loss, all of them that come with new parenthood, the beauty, the joy, the pain, the sadness, the struggles, the stress, the overwhelm, a place where all of this is welcome judgment free. That piece is why is so essential. And for a lot of us, we might not have that in our current support system right now. But that doesn’t mean that we’re just doomed right to not be able to talk about how we’re feeling, there are so many ways that we can be our own advocates to create the postpartum village that we envision that we need, and that we deserve. And one of the biggest ways that we can do that is working together one on one with my my coaching program. It’s a one on one private coaching program where we center your well being physical and emotional. And we ensure that we build into this plan ways to connect to that sense of self, even as it’s evolving and changing and bringing in pieces of who you are how you want to honor those pieces still, in your postpartum and in your parenthood, beyond these first, you know few months, and laying that foundation ahead of time. And as your postpartum coach, when we work together. That’s what I’m here for. I’m here to witness your experiences, hold that safe space for you to process everything that’s going on in this transition. Because sometimes, we might not need to be told what to do right away, we need to be heard first. So that we can allow that chance for ourselves to hear what’s going on out loud. And to kind of allow us to process that and become empowered to say, okay, I can hear that right there. That’s where I need a lot more support, or, This is something that I’m really struggling with, I think that’s where I need help, like working through this, right? If we’re not allowed to have our voice heard, and to voice these things that are happening, it’s very hard for us to recognize and to put a name to what we’re going through and how to how to go about even beginning to tackle it right. And then my goal for you is to hear your birth story, your postpartum experience. And then when you’re ready, and when we really figure out what’s going on, we can fit in some amazing techniques and tools and support to make sure that you are staying grounded and who you are. And that you are taking the time to nurture yourself and to heal from the trauma of birth physically. And to begin to have the resources and the tools to heal if you are dealing with birth trauma, or postpartum trauma. And where you can safely be able to get those resources and support. Right. And the best part about this program is there’s this pre and post stage of the program. So in the beginning, before birth, we will create together an emotional support plan for you that’s tailored to your needs. Identifying your triggers that you might already be aware of, or maybe you’re not aware of them. So we work together to figure out what are your emotional triggers when you’re stressed? When you’re feeling out of control, when you’re not feeling heard? When you’re not feeling seen? How do those things come about? How are you feeling around that right? And then matching the coping strategies to those triggers. And really creating a plan that is building this emotional resiliency. And then together, we can embrace this identity shifting process with self compassion, instead of self loathing or guilt or shame, right? So that we’re setting you up to thrive, before baby even arrives. So that is what’s so important and why I’m so passionate about this work that I do is just really approaching postpartum from a preventative care standpoint. And really trying to put these plans in place before you’re drowning. Before you’re exhausted and up all night with baby and trying to figure out Chester breastfeeding or trying to figure out, why is my you know, babies temperament like that’s another huge piece we can’t control, right, every baby comes into this world, their own person they have from day one, their own personalities, their own temperaments. And sometimes it’s not the temperament that we envision, right. And we have a more difficult, emotional baby who is more sensitive to sensory things around them, or has difficulty, you know, feeding or all these things that can happen that we cannot control. And we don’t know what to expect. So then it’s important for us to be able to adjust the plans that we’ve created, so that you can get the support on the backside of it, right. So after birth, you’re in the trenches, you have baby home. And things might need to be, you might need to pivot, right, depending on what’s going on. And so that’s the other beauty of this program is that you have the, you know, pregnancy planning side, and then you have the actual Postpartum Support. With me there every step of the way, where we will be doing check ins, we will be processing your birth story, we will be figuring out, okay, this is where we had some of our support plans set up. But actually now that baby’s here, we’re noticing we need a lot more support on this end with like lactation, right. And as a certified lactation counselor, I will be right there. Instead of going to Dr. Google trying to figure out is this a bad latch problem? Or am I experiencing you know, mastitis, or whatever it might be, and you’re trying to frantically search on the internet at 3am, while your baby’s screaming, right, you’ll have like access to me to be able to say this is what I’m experiencing. Can we do a virtual feeding session, like there’s all these opportunities right for you to get immediate help, that’s specific to you where you’re not having to go to a breastfeeding clinic, and be in a room with 10 other parents vying for the attention of the lactation consultant where it’s embarrassing, sometimes it can be feeling embarrassing, or exposing to be just out in the open here. And it’s hard like that’s one of the experiences that I really struggled with, with my breastfeeding journey with my first son was all these problems and just not feeling like I could get the help that I really needed. In my home and being comfortable where baby would be more likely to latch you know, easier. Instead of in these fluorescent lights at a hospital, you know, room or wherever they have these where you just don’t feel as comfortable, right, you have your own comfort and home around you. So that’s really the beautiful thing about this program is we really heavily focus on the planning piece. And then you have the support on the other side once baby’s here to actually make sure it goes smoothly and make changes where we need to. And having this space that is safe to talk about how you are feeling and what is going on in your life. And not just about baby, it’s about you the birth giver. Because when you are feeling supported body, mind and soul and you are feeling centered and nourished and seen and heard, and in control of certain aspects of your life during the postpartum timeframe. That is when we move out of this concept of barely surviving postpartum and the fourth trimester, and being able to fully embrace it and immerse yourself and be able to thrive. Even when things are hard and challenging, right, you’re able to have that emotional resiliency built that strength to be able to navigate and move through those challenging periods. And I think that’s the most important piece, because I’m not going to sit here and tell you work with me and postpartum will be perfect. There will be no problems. Like that’s just not really realistic, right? But it’s having the support of working through those problems that makes such a difference. You don’t have to do this alone. We have to stop accepting that we are on our own. I know that in this day and age we don’t have for many of us a built in village right we just don’t we’ve lost that in our culture and it So one of the biggest

40:03 tragedies really, for brand new parents and birth givers specifically that we have lost that just kind of built in system. But that doesn’t mean that we just take it lying down. You know what I mean? Like, that’s part of this like empowerment piece of saying, I am not going to settle for that. I know that I deserve more, my baby deserves more of me and my presence, where I feel energized, and I feel centered enough to give to my baby and to connect deeply. A lot of times when we have these struggles of connecting and bonding with our baby right away, which is very common, by the way, and we do not talk about that very much at all. So then we have even more shame and guilt when we’re like, why am I not just instantly falling in love with this baby, I love my baby, and I’m doing everything, I’m making sure their needs are met and everything. But sometimes it just takes longer for that connection to happen. But a big barrier to that is this piece we’re talking about is when we’re not caring for ourselves when we are not being nurtured and supported when our voices not having any space to be heard. And our experiences aren’t being held and validated. Right. So then that drains us strings a stranger drains us and it doesn’t leave anything emotionally available left to be able to bridge this connection with our baby, and with our partners and with our older children, right. And it’s important because while we’re experiencing this postpartum experience, and it’s very much physical, emotional and mental for us, it’s important to keep in mind still that our partners and our older children are experiencing their own version of postpartum, right. And so being able to be really solid in ourselves and in our emotional health and our physical health, and prioritizing that, that allows us to become more connected as a family as a whole and be able to provide that understanding and support for our partners. While they do the same for us, right. And this is something that I talk about a lot with Baby Proofing Your Marriage. And it’s a one of the free resources that I provide as this guide on baby proofing your partnerships or marriages, and things you can do to strengthen that connection and ensure that you are having really clear communication channels before baby arrives. So that you can have this structure in place to be able to talk to each other about these experiences in a way where you can receive that information, and be able to be remain open minded, right and be able to actually provide the support each other needs to be able to feel seen and heard. And they’re in your experiences, right. So if you’re interested in that free resource, I want you to head over to my Instagram, you can see it here at the bottom of my screen, it’s at empowering underscore postpartum. And in my link links in my bio, you can click on the baby proof your marriage and get that resource totally free. So I highly recommend that it’s a great resource. Just a few tips here really quickly on how we can start. You know, preparing for this one is working with me one on one that is absolutely at the top of the list because having that guidance and that support is going to make the world of difference for how you navigate through your postpartum in the way that you deserve and that you want. But some other things to keep in mind for just some, you know, quick tips and tools that you can use or if you’re already postpartum and you’re experiencing these things, is first and foremost, really take the time to name and validate these feelings of loss for yourself. I am feeling a sense of loss when it comes to who I am and my and my identity. And that’s okay that I’m having these feelings, right? saying that out loud to an empty room or to somebody you trust or journaling about these loss experiences and being able to process that through writing can be super helpful in healing. And always, always, always prioritizing yourself care and we can start very basic here, ensuring you’re getting your showers in when you need to making sure you’re changing into clean clothes daily, every other day, whatever that looks like for you right? Taking care of yourself physically. allowing those bathroom breaks baby will be okay for two minutes to allow you to go have this time that you need to attend to your basic needs, right. These are super important. Setting these small, achievable goals to allow that autonomy for yourself and feeling more in control of your own body. Because that can be really, really hard, especially when we are chest or breastfeeding, right, our body doesn’t feel like our own. So how can I build in these small little achievable goals, to feel like I do have some say in my own body, right? For when I can hold, baby or when it’s okay for me to say I need somebody else to take the baby. So I can have my body back to myself for a minute, right? However, that might look. And then another really big piece is share this episode like, I’m going to obviously this is live right now on the ZingoTV app. But once this episode is over all of the replays can be seen and watched on not only my YouTube channel, but also on my Facebook page. And then I also upload every episode to my website, so empowering Share this with your friends and family. Talk to them about how this is a very normal experience. And that you need support processing and working through this right. And talking to them and showing them this video can show them like this difference between these, these sympathetic reactions that are more surface level to really what you need is this empathy. We need empathy over judgment and sympathy, right. And so share this as a great resource for educating your support team around you. Because when you feel equipped with a customizing plan of coping strategies and emotional support systems, you can really prevent feeling completely consumed by these feelings of loss, right. And that’s where working together will become so crucial because it will be customized to your experience customized to your specific life and goals and who you want to be on the other side of postpartum, right. And maybe that’s retaining a lot of your previous identity, but then figuring out how to process pieces that you do have to let go or things that are changing, and figuring out how to really allow that to be okay. And having a safe space to share that right? I think is so, so important. So I’m hoping that this can really be something that helps you really start normalizing these experiences and being aware of them. But also that piece of hope, and resiliency, that you don’t have to feel this loss for the rest of your time, right? That this is just where you’re going to be this is it right? Like, you no longer have your own life, you no longer have your own, you know, place to be yourself, right? Like that is not what we have to accept for ourselves, we can say, No, I am important, my needs are important, I will start prioritizing myself, and be able to figure out how to navigate through this time. You know, it’s so important, it’s so important that we are our own advocates, because in a society where unfortunately, we just aren’t prioritized. And until that changes, we have to start pushing this movement ourselves and saying, This is how I want to parent This is how I want to heal and recover from birth. This is how I deserve and expect to be nurtured and nourished during this really vulnerable time. Right. So this is a really important piece, I did see one question come in here live about talking about a one sided relationship. And this is a really common and difficult thing to navigate, right. And I really want to recommend downloading that free guide that I talked about because it has really great opportunities and resources talking about how you can start these conversations in a way where your partner will hopefully be able to listen to them. Because it all starts with being vulnerable and talking about how we’re feeling right how we’re not feeling the support that we need to be able to enter parenthood together right as a team because it is a partnership and how we it’s so common for us to feel like we have a default parent and somebody who just kind of is there to support but they don’t really pull the same type of weight right where we talk about the 49:58 the mental load of motherhood right And these things that we struggle with, with sharing that load with our partners, it’s super important to be able to go back to basics on how we are talking about these things and being vulnerable enough to share how we are feeling. So I highly recommend that guide is a good place to start. And then really just working on that communication piece is so huge. And then, you know, advocating for here is actually what I need. This is how you can support me, and being very clear in that. So it’s really important to just, you know, kind of think about all these things ahead of time. That’s what I’m always trying to advocate is really approaching this from a preventative standpoint, right. So, you know, having that opportunity to work together, having my Compassionate support really can empower you to voice your struggles and safety, and retain that sense of autonomy, and control admits all this chaos, right? It’s not going to make the chaos disappear, but it’s going to help you feel like you can manage it a little bit better, and not feel so out of time. So I really want you to encourage you to go and check out my website, my work with me page for that coaching program. And I hope that this with the right support and guidance, you feel like you don’t have to lose yourself to parenthood. So remember, this show can also be seen and heard on the Spanglish Radio Network, please check out the Spanglish For more of all the news and programming, speak English world, watch it, hear it, read it, download it and live it. And I will see you all next week where I’m going to have a special guest actually join me for the first time on the show. So I’m super excited for that. And I hope you guys have a great rest of your week.